Wise words

Contents:

Wise Words

This page speaks for itself: It contains JOKES and Sayings.

Before you go on reading I have to thank Yako for most of the lines here.
Please ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!

1. A sin isn't a sin unless we belive it is, otherwise it's just an interdiction.

2. If you try to be someone you're not then you will be neither someone else nor you! Then who or what would you be? ...Nothing!? ...well that's not true, cause you have to be something, but what? I'd say you are less than what you are and definitly less than wat you want to be... ...so if you want to be more than you are then... be yourself!

3. Truth is relative. Someone who doesn't seek the truth is stupid, also some one who looks only at his own truth is also stupid...

4. If something can happend, well I tell ya it will, especially if it is something bad, and more than that if it is something good, cause good things are a lot more than bad things, you just need to know where to look for them.

5. It's a great thing to say something in a few words. Many use great words and say nothing, and some say something great with usual words and that's a great thing, cause those people are few...just like their words...

6. You'll start to be wise the moment you realize how stupid you are!

7. Who invented the wheel was an idiot... However, who invented the other three, was a genius.

8. What happens if you put 2 watches on your left hand? ...You can see the time in stereo mode... so imagine what you can do with 4 watches!

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9. Murphy's laws:

Anything that can go wrong will.
Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Quality assurance dosen't.
The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
Exceptions always outnumber rules.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
He who hesitates is probably right.
The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
You never want the one you can afford.
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.
If it says "one size fits all," it dosen't fit anyone.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Experience is somthing you don't get until just after you need it.
Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
Interchangable parts won't.
No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
Progress is made on alternative Fridays.
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible.
A free agent is anything but.
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
The one item you want is never the one on sale.
The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.
The original (neither Diet nor New) is: "If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place; preferably during a demonstration."
Buttered Pancake Principle: "Any buttered pancake that falls down will land on the buttered side. Results of this principle are not affected in any way by adding jam. The pancake will land on the non-buttered side whenever attempting to demonstrate this principle."
Murphy's Corollary (is that English?): "If every expert consulted states the problem has no solution, its solution will be obvious to the first unqualified person entering the room, whether he/she speaks the language or not."

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10. Murphy's Laws Of Combat

If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
There is always a way.
The easy way is always mined.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. when you're ready for them.
b. when you're not ready for them.
Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than your self.
If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
Friendly fire isn't.
If the sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
If at first you don't succeed call in an air-strike.
Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be
repaired.
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to
attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
Suppressive fires - won't.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
When in doubt empty the magazine.
No plan survives the first contact, intact.
If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.
The important things are always simple.
The simple things are always hard.
Beer Math -> 2 beers time 37 men equals 49 cases.
Body count math -> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
Tracers work both ways.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming
friendly fire.
If you take more than your share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share to take.
When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they're both right.

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11. Murphy's Laws On Sex

Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured..
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
The younger the better..
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics..
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
Never say no.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
Love comes in spurts.
The world does not revolve on an axis.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other
eight are unimportant.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

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12. Other Laws

Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.

Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.

Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

Corollary:
Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.

Fourth Law of Revision:
It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interference -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.

Fresco's Discovery:
If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:

First Law of Bicycling:
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.

First Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline).

First Law of Socio-Genetics:
Celibacy is not hereditary.

First Rule of History:
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.

Flugg's Law:
When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.

H. L. Mencken

Corollary:
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

Fifth Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.

Finagle's Creed:
Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.

Finagle's First Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's Second Law:
No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.

Finagle's Third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

Finagle's Fourth Law:
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

Corollaries:
1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.

2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.

Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.

Ginsberg's Theorem:
1. You can't win.

2. You can't break even.

3. You can't even quit the game.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit:

1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.

2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.

3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Olivier

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.

F. P. Jones

Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.

Emersons' Law of Contrariness:

Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.

Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are.

Drew's Law of Highway Biology:

The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

Ducharm's Axiom:

If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.

Ducharme's Precept:

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Ehrman's Commentary:

1. Things will get worse before they get better.

2. Who said things would get better?

Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.

DeVries's Dilemma:

If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.

Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.

Conway's Law:
In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Percussive Sublimation is the promotion of an incompetent employee to a "higher" position which brings on no new responsibility but unclogs the rest of the hierarchy. This is known as kicking someone upstairs. Hierarchiology tells us that every thriving organization will be characterized by this accumulation of deadwood at the executive level, consisting of percussive sublimatees and potential candidates for percussive sublimation. One well-known appliance manufacturing firm has twenty-three vice-presidents!

The Lateral Arabesque is another pseudo-promotion. Without being raised in rank -- sometimes without even a pay raise -- the incompetent employee is given A NEW AND LONGER TITLE and is moved to an office in a remote part of the building. ...so we see that percussive sublimation and lateral arabesques can serve to keep the drones out of the hair of the workers.
from "The Peter Principle"

Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:

When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.

Churchill's Commentary on Man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Colvard's Logical Premises:

All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.

Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:

This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.

Grelb's Commentary

Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.

Chism's Law of Completion:
The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.

Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.

By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.

Cahn's Axiom:

When all else fails, read the instructions.

Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.

Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"

Bucy's Law:

Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

Boren's Laws:

(1) When in charge, ponder.

(2) When in trouble, delegate.

(3) When in doubt, mumble.

Boling's postulate:

If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Boob's Law:

You always find something in the last place you look.

A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.

A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and the real reason.

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Herbert Hoover

After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.

After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.

Anthony's Law of Force:

Don't force it; get a larger hammer.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:

Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.

Corollary:

On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.

Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Arthur C. Clarke

Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" means the price went way up.

Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

Arnold's Laws of Documentation:

(1) If it should exist, it doesn't.

(2) If it does exist, it's out of date.

(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.

Laws of Love:

(1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.

(2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.

Avoid reality at all costs.

Bagdikian's Observation:

Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele.

Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:

A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.

Barach's Rule:

An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.

Barth's Distinction:

There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.

Baruch's Observation:

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Beifeld's Principle:
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend.

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1. You can't win.